Written by Community Wellbeing Champion, Afzal Hadi, in January 2024.

In the intricate tapestry of life, Matthew Koh explores the fascinating world of emotional wellbeing, unraveling insights and strategies for a more resilient and flourishing life.

Matthew, one of our Community Wellbeing Champions, is a lecturer turned life coach. He is also the author of “Teach Less, Coach More”, and founder of The Positive Arena.

This is a heartfelt article, marked by personal stories, and his personal reflections, intertwining into a fascinating dance of thoughts, feelings, and actions.

As an adolescent growing up in a dysfunctional family, Matthew faced the challenges of an absent father who was burdened with debt, and, playing the role of a caregiver to his mother who suffered from mental health conditions. Through these experiences, and also in the process of identifying what he wants for himself, and his purpose in life, he struggled in understanding and managing his emotions.

When Matthew became a lecturer in his adulthood, and within a few years of lecturing experience, he noticed how some of his students were also struggling with their experiences with a myriad of emotions. The patterns seemed familiar and close to home.

He shared, "I witnessed the students' inability to cope with their emotions, which mirrored exactly what I experienced growing up as an adolescent. It was as if we were going through an emotional rollercoaster ride after emotional rollercoaster ride. One after another, never ending."

Matthew felt the connection between his experiences and his students', and became curious if there was a science to thriving in life and being emotionally well. And thus, began his learning in Positive Psychology.

Distinction: 

Stress is not just an emotional state of feeling overwhelmed; 

it occurs when life's demands exceed the resources you have available to cope with these demands.

“I find it alarming that Singaporeans, from youths to adults, use the word 'stress' so casually. We need a deeper understanding to what 'stress' truly means, and then use it more appropriately. When we are able to label our experiences with more nuanced and appropriate language, we can then work with them more effectively.”

Through the learning of Positive Psychology, Matthew was able to be more aware of stress and its distinctions with other emotions. His definition of 'stress' allows the opportunity for the individual to notice whether they have the necessary resources to cope with the demands of what they are experiencing in the moment, in their life.

Taking a few steps back, to observe 'stress', he believes, is one of the first ways to overcome it.

“When we take a moment to decipher it, we can begin to have more power over it.”

To be able to become aware of the thoughts, feelings, and responding, it is about learning to pause. “That’s the secret,” says Matthew. 

Matthew learnt about mindfulness while learning about Positive Psychology.

In his experience, being mindful is not difficult. The beginning is always simply to just,                        Pause.

"Mindfulness is the key to supporting ourselves through these emotional rollercoaster rides", says Matthew.

For him, pausing before moments such as delivering a speech in front of hundreds, or preparing himself before entering a class, is what has been helpful to his emotional well-being.

Pausing allows one to choose the action we want to take, and to have the space to evaluate, if the belief you are bringing into what is happening next, is helpful. Should that belief be difficult to shift, then begin with practicing a different action, that has a chance to create a different response – potentially bringing about a different narrative to the experience.

Synder's Hope Theory is another concept that is commonly mentioned in Positive Psychology.

"We need both agency and the opportunity, to see multiple paths towards our goals. In this instance, the response we want to have, is our goal.”

"Without awareness of our belief systems, we might not be able to see the multiple paths, opportunities, or approaches we can take to achieve a goal that we might have.'"

"When we can notice our beliefs, we can then notice how they make us feel. Then we can choose to respond accordingly. The tough part is that we are usually quite blinded by our beliefs, or hold on to them so tightly, that we don’t allow for new responses to appear." says Matthew.

Some might argue that if beliefs are reinforced by responses, or the result of responses, then it would be difficult to change beliefs.

Beyond thoughts, feelings, responses and beliefs, another consideration to our emotional wellbeing is our locus of control.

Locus of Control is in the centre. These are occurrences in your life that you have complete control over. For example, and not limited to :

• deciding what to have for lunch, 

• leaving your job, 

• speaking up during a meeting. 

You have full control of these decisions and actions, and can carry it out as you will.

Do note that, while you have complete control of your decisions and actions, you do not have complete control of the consequences of your actions!

The circle surrounding the Locus of Control, is the Locus of Influence.

While you may not have complete control of what is happening in this space, you have an ability to influence these happenings. 

For example, if you want to get a promotion, you can :

• fight and claw your way through, 

• suck up to a boss, 

• do your utmost best at work. 

You have an influence on the eventual decision, but the decision is still in your employer’s hands.

In the outermost circle, is the Locus Not In Your Control. 

You might say this is not even a circle, perhaps just the void of everything that you have no control over. 

This would include, for example, what Elon Musk will be having for lunch tomorrow, or the next biggest trend in sustainability products.

Some might say ‘Hey, I'm pretty sure I have some influence there...’, bringing in the concepts of "Six Degrees of Separation", the "Butterfly Effect" and what not.

You can learn, by raising your awareness of what is within your loci of control and influence, on what you choose to hold on to, and what is wiser to let go of. This will apply to your thoughts, feelings, responses (and non-responses) and even your beliefs and values.

Having the awareness of what might serve you in each moment, learning through the pause, to gain clarity and exercise the choice, is where discernment and wisdom are born. And in this practice, it is also supportive towards allowing the emotions to have a space to move and flow, and then to be expressed.

It is also important to take note of what might fall within the loci of "Not in Your Control".

Connecting to the earlier point on stress, perhaps what is resource that you require to meet the demands of our life, is not something that is within your loci of control. And in these cases, perhaps it is then wise to ask for support and help.

As Matthew learnt through his Positive Psychology training, values are not strict rules. They serve as guiding principles that helped him shape his story.

Matthew encourages deep reflection on values, knowing that they can evolve. This process helps him stay connected with who he truly is.

Values can be seen as the steering wheel of his life boat, guiding his decisions. Matthew believes in aligning with values that feel true and authentic to him. Recognizing that values can change allows for smoother sailing through life's twists and turns.

Coupling values with a growth mindset, means being open to trying new things when things get tough. It's not about sticking to Plan A forever but exploring different ways to overcome challenges.

Combining the above with 'Snyder’s Hope Theory', where "we need both agency and the opportunity, to see multiple paths towards our goals", it now opens a whole plethora of approaches to overcome life's challenges. This then relieves one from feeling stuck and lost.

When the multiple pathways become too many and too overwhelming, anchoring back on values, and finding alignment with it, helps to filter through what will work for you, and what will not work for you.

Since Matthew embarked on his journey as a life coach, deploying Positive Psychology as an approach, he has interacted and coached more people beyond the youths. In these past few years, he has also worked with retirees and he noticed how they craved their identities of when they were working, or the possessions that they once had, and how it is a challenge, now that they are retired, to cope with the loss.

“It is quite scary to see the loss. It is almost as if a big chunk of who they think they are has left with their professional identity, and it is as if, after retirement, they need to 'rebuild' a new self-identity.”

Matthew warns against defining ourselves by our labels and our possessions. He suggests the practice of stoicism, in support of enhancing wellbeing.

"If we are able to focus our identities away from material possessions and titles, and focus on what might have a longer lasting impact – our character and values - it might be more meaningful and beneficial."

• Being able to identify what is possible for you, when you Pause, and Notice the thoughts, feelings, responses and beliefs you hold, if they might be helpful or not. And then decide accordingly, what you Choose to do.

• Becoming aware of what is in your locus of control and your locus of influence. Be open to let go of what you cannot control, and seek help and support where needed. This includes your sense of identity, and being open to recreate a new identity for yourself, as you move through life.

• Remember that this is a journey with no destination. It is about finding your path out of thousands of paths, and walking them with grace.